- Preparing for divorce can start with hope, and with a safe haven: one or more people who support you and listen to what is in your heart.
- When you talk to your children about divorce, make clear it has nothing to do with them, and never let them see their parents fighting over them.
- Before divorcing, think about plans for the children, including custody, access and maintenance.
- There is no shortage of solicitors. Try several, and find a divorce solicitor you get on with.
Divorce is becoming more common, but its effect on you and your children cannot be ignored. Whether you are a man or a woman, think it through before you decide.
Below we share the things to consider before divorce, what to prepare, and what to know first.
Preparing for divorce: hope and support from family and friends
Divorce is painful, and preparing for it can start with hope. In low moments, try picturing the new family life you may have after divorce:
- A new partner
- Children
- A new family life
It is only imagination, but it can ease the pain inside. When you are stuck in doubt and endless struggle, and feel you will never see a way out, hope keeps you moving.
The point is not to be cold. It is to make it less painful before you finish what you need to do in the divorce process.
Staying determined to start again is like taking on a project: it wakes up your resolve to see it through.
Whether everything goes to plan after the divorce depends on fate more than on anything you can control.
When you learn not to keep score, and to ignore the other side’s wish to argue, they may not even care.
When you don’t criticise your ex lightly, the people around you are more likely to respond and encourage you with positive words.
Support from family and friends before divorce
- If you are preparing for divorce, we suggest you prepare a safe haven before you raise the subject.
- For many people the family they grew up in can be that haven, but consider whether your family can help you make the right decision and support what you finally decide.
- A haven is more than a place to live or a source of income. Above all, you need one or more people who support you and listen to what is in your heart.
- They can be friends, relatives, colleagues, former classmates and so on, who can give you physical and emotional help when you need it most.
Not sure where to start preparing for divorce?
Get in touch, and a dedicated consultant will first understand your situation.
Preparing for divorce: expect the worst, and talk to your children
The key to preparing mentally for divorce is this: I have prepared for the worst.
There is a saying: if you don’t mind, you have already won. It suits divorce well. See divorce clearly, and then, whether you divorce or not, whether you win the case or not, whether you get the children or not, don’t take it too hard.
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Ask yourself what you fear most
What is your biggest fear?
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Imagine it
If those things happened, what would you do?
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Get ready
Prepare for them, and find a way to accept them.
After all, gain often comes with loss. If your goal today is a successful divorce, you may have to accept losing some people and things that matter to you.
Talking to your children about divorce
Children are often sensitive. They may have lived with their parents’ conflict for a long time and feel confused and torn. Talk to them in a way that suits their age:
- Pre-school children: use picture books, puppets or toys they understand to show who will live with them, and that the parent who lives elsewhere will still come to see them. Give them plenty of reassurance of your love.
- Primary school children: don’t pull them into your arguments, and make clear the divorce has nothing to do with them, so they don’t blame themselves or feel guilty.
- Also let them know this is a grown-up problem and grown-ups will deal with it, so they are spared more pressure and harm.
- Teenage or adult children: tell them about the effort you put into the marriage, what you think and what you plan for the future. Listen to their views as far as you can, and aim for their understanding and honest communication.
Please note
- Never let children see their parents fighting over them. It frightens them and can leave lasting psychological harm.
Before divorce: money and expenses
Before divorcing, think about money and list your living costs after the divorce, for example:
- Moving out of the family home (rent)
- Child maintenance, education costs and so on
At the same time, check whether your income is enough. Good financial planning is essential, so don’t brush it aside.
Matters such as applying for maintenance and dividing the assets built up during the marriage depend on your own situation, so we suggest a free consultation to understand your rights.
- Is a wife always entitled to half the assets on divorce?
- Rebuilding your life after divorce: how to look after yourself and start again
Before divorce: planning for your children
Before divorcing, think about plans for the children, including custody, access and maintenance.
Custody
For children under 18, joint custody or sole custody? You can consider:
- The child’s age (how much care they need)
- Who spent the most time caring for the child before
- How each parent gets on with the child
- Each parent’s financial and caring resources, and so on
Access
- Who will the child live with? Whoever has custody, you are both still the child’s parents.
- The parent who does not live with the child can still arrange access visits and have the child stay with them.
- This also helps the child avoid losing the care of one parent, adjust to the separation sooner and return to a normal routine.
Maintenance
Maintenance can be broken down into the following items:
- Child maintenance
- School fees and sundry charges
- After-school care and similar items
How should the parents share the cost, and in what proportion?
Even after divorce, you are still your child’s parents. Keep the effect of the divorce on your child as small as possible, and stay cooperative in bringing them up.
On all of these questions, parents should discuss and negotiate with the child’s best interests in mind.
How should custody and access be arranged for your child?
Feel free to check your situation with us.
What to know before divorce: use several ways to communicate, and learn not to keep score
Having several ways to communicate matters, and it is one of the things to know before divorce: some things are best discussed face to face, others can be said slowly through messaging apps.
For example, when you want to find out how the other person sees something, ask face to face and watch how they react, such as:
- How would you like your son to spend Lunar New Year?
- Is going to court really a good idea?
- Can you accept the terms I am proposing?
For more open questions, to avoid arguments, you can also take it slowly through a messaging app. Try discussing the reasons with the other person, for example where the children should live.
To keep the negotiation calm, you can use a messaging app that helps you keep a friendly tone and speak slowly without getting angry.
Learn not to keep score
- Sometimes after a divorce you have let go, but the other person has not. Their resentment does not vanish just because you divorced.
- Many divorced people settle property and custody smoothly, but after the case ends the two sides fall into serious conflict. Access time becomes chaotic, or one parent can no longer see the child, and it may even lead to legal disputes.
If you have children, after the divorce you will build a new relationship with them, and it can be better than before. If it is not better, don’t worry about whether your child loves their father or mother more.
Stop arguing over what your ex thinks, and give yourself and your child patience and love.
- Domestic violence: what it is, its effects and where to get help
- Divorce mediation in Hong Kong: the process and its benefits
What to know before divorce: choose your solicitor carefully
A solicitor plays a very important part in a divorce, so choose carefully.
Every divorce solicitor has their own strengths and style, and all of them can protect the rights we are entitled to. But this is a working partnership that can last months or years, so we suggest:
- Try several, and find a divorce solicitor you get on with.
- Before making a final decision, it is best to visit at least four or five providers.
- Set aside enough for solicitor consultation fees, gather information widely, and choose a good solicitor yourself.
If it later turns into a formal legal process, it may cost more than you imagine, and if you end up with poor terms the loss can be even greater.
There is no shortage of solicitors. If you choose the right one, the money is well spent. If you choose one who does not suit you, the process becomes torture.
Not sure what to prepare before divorce?
If in doubt, feel free to contact our dedicated consultants.
