- Couples who are satisfied with their sex life have sex about once a week on average. Couples in Hong Kong generally have sex less often than this.
- Sexual incompatibility usually comes from an imbalance in the two partners’ desire. It can also come from a sexual dysfunction present from birth, or from human factors such as emotional distance.
- A drop in how often or how well a couple have sex is often a warning sign of problems in the relationship.
- Improving sexual incompatibility takes honest communication and learning to reduce stress. If the two of you cannot communicate effectively, you can seek help from a professional.
Research shows that couples who are satisfied with sex have it about once a week on average, and couples in Hong Kong usually have it less often than this.
This article looks at sexual incompatibility as a reason for divorce in Hong Kong, and at ways to deal with it.
Human instinct, marriage and how often couples have sex
Sex is not only a basic human need but also an important way for a couple to build a deep bond.
During sex, the brain and the hypothalamus release the following substances:
- The brain releases dopamine, which makes people feel happy.
- The hypothalamus releases oxytocin, known as the “love hormone”, which helps strengthen trust and emotional connection between a couple.
In reality, however, many couples have a sexual mismatch that causes cracks in the relationship. Busy work and the responsibilities of raising children have a particular effect on a couple’s sex life.
How often do couples have sex?
According to academic research, couples who are satisfied with their sex life generally have sex about once a week on average. In Hong Kong, couples generally have sex less often than this.
What really matters is quality, not quantity.
Each couple should decide the frequency that suits them. As long as both of you feel comfortable and keep a close emotional bond, it is the right amount.
Is how often you have sex right for the two of you?
Feel free to check your situation with us.
Social attitudes to talking about sex
In Hong Kong, sex is often treated as a taboo subject, which makes it hard for many couples to talk about the problems in their sex life.
Even when they know they should get professional help, many people hesitate because they fear discussing sex in the open.
A conservative social climate also means there is little clear information about sex, so many couples do not know where to start when they look for help.
More articles on marriage:
- Is divorce or separation better? The pros and cons of divorce and separation
- Common reasons and grounds for divorce in Hong Kong
Causes of sexual incompatibility
Sexual incompatibility is a common problem for many couples, and it usually comes from an imbalance in the two partners’ desire.
When one partner has a stronger desire and the other a lower one, one may begin to doubt the other’s sexual ability, which leads to conflict or dissatisfaction.
| The partner with higher desire | The partner with lower desire | |
|---|---|---|
| How they may feel | May feel frustrated at being turned down often | May feel pressured by the other partner’s needs |
This often leads to defensiveness or distance.
Sexual dysfunction present from birth
In some marriages, one or both partners may have a sexual dysfunction because of genetic factors or illness.
| Both partners have the problem | Only one partner has the dysfunction | |
|---|---|---|
| Sex life | Sexual incompatibility does not become the main problem | May leave the other partner feeling suppressed and guilty |
| Relationship | The couple can rely more on emotional and spiritual support to hold the relationship together | This imbalance can sometimes seriously affect both partners’ mental health and the relationship |
Relationships affected by human factors
Some couples are physically healthy but cannot keep up a normal sex life because of human factors such as emotional distance or serious conflict.
In this situation, the couple should think about whether they are willing to carry on with this painful life together.
Please note
- If neither of you wants a divorce but you cannot live together in peace, you must seek marriage counselling and therapy, to improve your relationship and communication and try to restore harmony between you.
Faced with a sexless marriage or a poor-quality marriage, many couples choose to wait passively for things to get better, or quietly accept the situation as it is.
But this does not solve the root of the problem, especially when one or both of you feel unfulfilled.
Coping strategies and the future of the marriage
Whether the problem is present from birth or caused by human factors, what matters is how you deal with the reality and with the challenges that may come:
- If both partners have a sexual dysfunction, you can look for other ways to meet each other’s emotional needs.
- If the problem comes from human factors, you need to look actively for ways to improve the relationship.
In every case, facing the problem and working on it is the key to keeping or restoring a healthy marriage.
Avoiding divorce caused by sexual problems
When sexual incompatibility becomes a major obstacle in the relationship, both partners need to look for solutions actively rather than avoid the subject or ignore the problem, so that it does not become the trigger for divorce.
When you face sexual challenges, patience and understanding are the key.
In addition, looking carefully into the causes of the incompatibility and getting professional help can effectively stop the problem getting worse, and protect the marriage from breaking down.
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- Signs of a marriage breaking down in Hong Kong: the effects of emotional neglect, and the right time to divorce
Can’t tell what is behind your sexual incompatibility?
Get in touch, and a dedicated consultant will first understand your situation.
Sexual incompatibility can lead to divorce
A relationship does not depend entirely on the quality and quantity of sex, but harmony in sex is undoubtedly an important sign of how close two people are.
Sex and making up
As the saying goes, “couples who quarrel in bed make up in bed”, so some partners make up through sex.
Sex not only gives a couple pleasure but is also a way to show love and tenderness, and a way to release stress and lift the mood.
When feelings are strained, sex is often the first area to be affected.
Sexual incompatibility as a warning sign
- When a couple find that how often or how well they have sex has dropped, it is often a warning sign of problems in the relationship.
- The cause may be heavy work pressure, physical and mental exhaustion, or cracks in the relationship.
- Sexual incompatibility can sometimes even reveal a partner’s infidelity.
So treating sex as an important part of marriage can no doubt strengthen the emotional bond and understanding between you.
Society and sexual stereotypes
In many parts of Asia, men and women see sex differently:
- Women often avoid the subject of sex and see it as a private matter that cannot be discussed openly. They often hold conservative views, and even when their sex life is not working, find it hard to ask for help or advice.
- Men often see sex as a physical need rather than part of emotional exchange.
This difference between the sexes in how they see sex, together with a conservative social climate, often makes it hard to solve a couple’s sexual problems effectively.
Why it matters to deal with sexual problems
Dealing with sexual incompatibility takes open communication from both partners and an active search for solutions.
Please note
- Whether the problem is vaginismus, sexual dysfunction or something else, it should be treated and discussed in good time.
Both partners should put aside their fears and prejudices about sex and face the problem together. This improves your understanding of each other and helps the relationship stay harmonious.
Harmony in sex within marriage
Many people see sex as only one part of marriage, but in fact it is vital to keeping affection and trust between a couple.
Harmony in sex reflects the depth of feeling and mutual understanding between a couple.
So when you face sexual incompatibility, you should not avoid or ignore it, but have an honest conversation and look for a solution together.
This is vital to keeping a marriage harmonious.
- What to know about affairs and infidelity in divorce in Hong Kong
- Staying together for the children: the myth, and the pros and cons of divorce for children
How to improve sexual incompatibility
One key to solving sexual problems is to be honest with each other.
Many couples may not know how to talk about their difficulties with sex, and fear that being honest may hurt the other person.
| The partner with higher desire | The partner with lower desire | |
|---|---|---|
| Suggestion | Can suggest ways of staying close other than sex | Should be honest about their feelings and look for other forms of closeness |
The importance of affection and communication
To look into sexual incompatibility, the first thing to understand is how the couple feel about each other.
The quality of a relationship is not defined only by whether things look peaceful on the surface, but more by whether the two of you communicate enough.
Even if you argue now and then, that does not mean the relationship is bad. The key is whether you are willing to solve problems together.
Avoiding the problem will only make the quality and frequency of your sex life drop gradually, which in turn harms the relationship further.
How life stress affects your sex life
In modern society, life stress is a major obstacle to sexual desire.
Please note
- Stress from work, money and raising children raises the level of the stress hormone cortisol, which suppresses the normal function of sex hormones.
To deal with this stress effectively, learning to reduce it comes first. Only when you are relatively relaxed can the two of you tackle the problem more positively and so have a healthier sex life.
Children and a couple’s sex life
- Many couples with young children face the question of the children sleeping in the parents’ room. This has a marked effect on a couple’s sex life, whether because of limited space at home or because they think it is better to share a room with the children.
- When a couple find that this arrangement affects their sex life, they need to weigh up which factors matter more.
- Children should gradually develop independence as they grow up, so parents should learn to let go at the right time and make the changes needed to keep a good relationship and sex life.
The key to solving sexual incompatibility
Communication is an essential part of a marriage. Especially when it comes to sex, both partners should be honest about their feelings and needs.
Because many people fear embarrassment or do not want to hurt the other person, they often choose to put up with it, which only makes the problem worse.
Please note
- To solve the root of sexual incompatibility, it is vital to understand each other’s needs and differences in technique.
- If the two of you cannot communicate effectively, getting help from a professional is a sensible choice.
Sex and closeness in marriage
In marriage it is common for partners to have different levels of desire. The partner who is often overlooked may begin to doubt the other’s love, which affects the relationship.
To clear up the other person’s doubts, we suggest couples speak openly and share how they really feel.
Please note
- Effective communication is the key to solving the problem, and ignoring it only harms the relationship more.
- Couples also should not treat sex as the only way to keep closeness. They can explore other forms of intimacy, such as kissing and using sex toys.
Date nights to strengthen the relationship
Many people think marriage makes love gradually fade, so a couple need to keep adding something new to the relationship.
We suggest couples plan creative date nights regularly, and focus on each other.
- On a date night, couples can try changing the setting, with romantic lighting or sweet music, to feel more involved with each other.
- In daily life you can also look for something new, such as a short trip, or a sex toy that the two of you use together.
All of this helps keep the relationship lively and passionate.
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- What is an emotional affair? A guide to the definition and the warning signs in a partner
Not sure how to improve sexual incompatibility?
If in doubt, feel free to contact our dedicated consultants.
Common questions about sexual incompatibility in Hong Kong
What does sexual incompatibility mean?
It means that a couple or partners differ in sexual desire, sexual preferences or how often they have sex, which leads to difficulty communicating or emotional distance.
How do I start talking to my spouse about sexual incompatibility?
We suggest choosing a private place with no distractions, and speaking openly, without blame, about your feelings and needs.
What should we do if we cannot solve sexual incompatibility ourselves?
You can consider getting help from a marriage counsellor or sex therapist, who can give professional advice and a treatment plan.
What can we do about mismatched sexual desire?
You can explore other forms of intimacy, such as hugging and kissing, and at the same time look for sexual preferences and interests that you share.
How can changing lifestyle help improve sexual incompatibility?
A healthy lifestyle, such as regular exercise, a balanced diet and enough sleep, helps improve physical and mental health, and so can improve your sex life.
How can a couple keep their emotional bond when their sex life is not working?
Apart from sex, couples should communicate more about their feelings, do activities together, and support and understand each other. These are all important in keeping a good emotional bond.
