- We put forward a more complex hypothesis: the effect of parents' divorce on children is not simply good or bad. It depends on the quality of the original marriage.
- Studies show that long-term conflict in a marriage often harms children more than divorce itself.
- The quality of the couple's close relationship is the key factor in children's mental health.
- In a dysfunctional, unhealthy family, divorce may harm a child less than staying married.
When a marriage has broken down in all but name, you often hear the phrase “staying together for the children”.
If two people cannot get along and the relationship cannot be repaired, is staying in an empty marriage for the children really the best choice for them?
How a poor-quality marriage affects children's mental health
We put forward a more complex hypothesis: the effect of parents' divorce on children is not simply good or bad. It depends on the quality of the original marriage.
Most people assume that parents' divorce, a change of home and a single-parent household are unlikely to help a child's mental health.
If the parents' relationship was already poor, even very poor, then facing reality and agreeing a divorce after the marriage breaks down may be the best way for every family member to move on to a better stage.
If a home is full of silent treatment and conflict, does that harm the children over the years?
Even if the parents do not fight, a home that stays polite but distant may also affect a child.
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- Marriage counselling organisations in Hong Kong: an introduction, marriage counselling hotlines and fees
- Advice on preparing before a divorce
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- Rebuilding your life after divorce: how to look after yourself and start again
- How divorce affects children in Hong Kong, and ways to support them
The myth of staying together for the children
The idea that it is better not to divorce for the children comes mainly from many studies showing that single-parent families and divorce have a negative link with children's wellbeing.
Please note
- In the public mind, “divorce” and “harm to children” have become firmly linked.
- But as clever people know, correlation does not equal causation. Does a negative correlation always mean a negative effect?
Social science research has given many clear answers. This article sums up four important reasons for the negative link with the wellbeing of children of divorce:
- The first two factors explain why divorce often has a negative effect on children.
- The last two show that much of the link between divorce and children's wellbeing is a spurious correlation, with a more important real cause behind it.
- How do I apply for a divorce?
- Divorce mediation in Hong Kong: the process and its benefits
- Common reasons and grounds for divorce in Hong Kong
- How social media and technology can become a catalyst for divorce in Hong Kong
Not sure how marriage quality affects your children?
Feel free to check your situation with us.
The real causes of children's wellbeing after divorce
The factors linking divorce and children's wellbeing are:
- Financial resources
- Parents' mental health
- Parents' education level or socio-economic status
- Earlier conflict in the marriage
Financial resources
The main disadvantage of a single-parent family is money. In the traditional family model, the father goes out to work and the mother looks after the home and the children.
When the father cannot or will not take responsibility, a single mother faces difficulty finding work and the heavy pressure of raising the children alone.
As long as both parents can provide financial support after divorce, or the single parent has a steady income, this factor will not harm the children.
Parents' mental health
The second main disadvantage of a single-parent family is the parent's mental health.
After divorce or bereavement, a single parent has to raise the children alone. This affects the parent's mental health and, in turn, how well they can parent.
Please note
- Single parents need to work hard to look after the physical and mental health of every family member.
- Although this is harder than in a two-parent household, a single-parent family is still a better choice than a home full of quarrels and indifference.
Parents' education level or socio-economic status
In fact, divorce rates differ between groups. People with higher education or socio-economic status divorce less, and this holds in most developed countries.
Yet few people discuss this correlation, so few know about this social phenomenon.
Please note
- In other words, one reason single-parent families are disadvantaged is that, on average, these people were already in a weaker position before the divorce.
Earlier conflict in the marriage
Marital conflict is an important reason couples divorce, but it seldom forms in a short time. It builds up over a period.
So we should reframe the question: “Is it divorce itself that harms children's mental health, or is marital conflict the key factor?”
Studies show that long-term conflict in a marriage often harms children more than divorce itself.
Some studies also find that children from “pre-divorce families” already had problems before their parents separated. The point is not divorce itself but the “pressure-cooker family”.
Conflict between parents is indeed an important factor in children's mental health, but a more striking research finding is this:
- For teenagers whose parents have not divorced, heated arguments between the parents significantly raise the tendency to anxiety.
- For teenagers whose parents have divorced but still argue fiercely, there is no such negative effect.
Does this mean that “staying in a marriage that has gone bad” does teenagers more psychological harm than “still arguing after divorce”?
We cannot be sure this explanation is right, but the finding helps us understand how family dynamics affect children and teenagers, and deserves our attention.
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Divorce or not is not the point: quality of relationship is what matters
“To divorce or not to divorce?” seems to be the big question for many people facing marriage problems, but in fact “divorce or not” is not the heart of it.
More important is the quality of the couple's close relationship, which is the key factor in children's mental health.
If the marriage is poor and the relationship is bad, forcing it to continue will instead harm the children. This is a fact to keep in mind.
Some may think this article promotes divorce and undermines social stability, but that view is wrong.
What we argue is that divorce should be considered if the quality of the marriage is poor.
Please note
- Where the couple interact badly and the relationship is poor, living together just to keep up the appearance of a family will in fact harm the children's mental health.
- So we should value the quality of the couple's relationship, rather than blindly pursuing the outward form of a family.
- Common reasons and grounds for divorce in Hong Kong
- How social media and technology can become a catalyst for divorce in Hong Kong
- Signs of a marriage breaking down in Hong Kong: the effects of emotional neglect, and the right time to divorce
- Sexless marriage in Hong Kong: a warning sign of divorce?
- What to know about affairs and infidelity in divorce in Hong Kong
Still deciding whether to divorce?
Get in touch, and a dedicated consultant will first understand your situation.
Is staying married really better for the children?
Do not assume that staying married reduces the harm to children. In fact, some homes do far more harm than the parents' divorce would:
- Endless quarrels and silent treatment: if the atmosphere at home is always tense, children carry great psychological pressure.
- Domestic violence: when parents hit each other, children can be physically hurt, and their mental health suffers too. Living in constant fear harms their physical and mental development.
- Piggy in the middle: some parents use their children as a bridge or go-between. In fact they are only avoiding the problem, which makes things hard for the children and, when the children are under stress, may push them into wrong decisions.
Studies show that in a dysfunctional, unhealthy family, divorce may harm a child less than staying married.
More and more people are asking whether staying married is truly for the children's good, or whether the children are being used as a shield.
Worried about how staying married affects your children?
If in doubt, feel free to contact our dedicated consultants.
